Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Shitty Day??... No, A Very Shitty Day!

You remember, we have Goldie, a 6 year old Golden Retriever and former one-dog puppy mill. And, OMFG!!! yes, we had our first carpet soiling yesterday. Is that how you would like me to approach it? Carpet soiling, as opposed to just calling it what it is ~ poop? I didn't think so.

Like it or not, I will give you some background, just for dramatic effect.

When we brought Goldie home, we kept her out in the back yard for three or four days and brought her in the house periodically just to acclimate her to being indoors. She did really great. She'd stay in the house for a couple of hours at a time, was very well behaved and did her "business" (she pooped) outside.

About the fourth night, I woke up to her barking. I went to the back door, gave her my best Cesar Milan, (you know, The Dog Whisperer) "Phssssttt!" and a snap of the fingers and she went back to her bed. The same night, more barking. Same routine. Back to the back door, another "Phssssttt!", she went back to her bed and I went back to mine.

The next night, hoping to alleviate the necessity for getting up in the middle of night, we brought Goldie in for the night. She stayed outside until just before bedtime, then I brought her in the house. I also brought her bed into our bedroom. She followed me into the the bedroom and climbed right into her bed. That's where she stayed all night. The next morning, I got up and walked her to the back door to let her out. No problem.

For the last two weeks, Goldie was doing remarkably well. She'd stay in our room for the night, go out in the morning, eat, run, pee, poop, and then back in for the day. Just before dinner, I'd let her out again until we headed for bed for the night. No indoor accidents.

Goldie is a big dog, weighing in at 68 pounds. She eats a lot, although not as much as some large breeds. So consequently, she should poop a lot. Well, she does, quite frequently and usually uses the same place in the yard. Of course, wouldn't you know it, she has selected a patch of grass between the house and my herb garden so that I have to navigate doggie land mines every time I want a sprig of rosemary. Don't get me wrong. We clean up after her daily, but you just never know what you'll find when you walk out there. Anyway, one of her poop times yesterday she DID NOT use the yard. She decided to expand her toilet range to the living room carpet.

Now, I don't want to get too graphic... but I will. When I say poop, I don't mean a nice solid pile that you can pick up with a small shovel. Noooooo. Goldie was, putting it mildly, a little loose. And, it wasn't just pooping in one place. Oh, God, no. She was clearly a little distraught and confused about where to poop so she made several deposits, large and small. It was a Shall I poop here? Or here? Or here? Or here? Or Maybe I should walk around in a circle and poop while I'm walking kind of arrangement. It was the kind that required a flat, squeegee-type instrument and a receptacle in which to dump it, interspersed with dry-heaving. Then came the carpet cleanser and brush, more dry-heaving. After that, there was the washing with the Odor-ban. All of the aforementioned cleaning tasks were punctuated by Awww, Jesus. Oh, God. Jesus Christ, Goldie!" Later, after the carpet dried some, there was the obligatory Febreeze.

When Tom walked in not five minutes after I finished and smiled and asked, "How was your day?" I could only reply, "You're a little late!" Which was followed by silence and a blank stare.

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