Friday, March 13, 2009

The American Dream, the idea of the happy ending, is an avoidance of responsibility and commitment. ~ Jill Robinson

Well, I don't know about the accuracy of that quote, but I do know that there was a lot of avoidance going on at work today.

I told Boss on Tuesday that I was exploring other work options and that I would decide by Friday whether or not I was going to stay.

Yesterday he confirmed that I was going to give him my decision today and said he hoped I would stay.

I had been struggling with my decision all week. As of last night, before I went to bed, I had pretty much decided to stay on to see what might happen within the organization. But, as I slept, I dreamed about my dad, who has been deceased since 1992. I haven't dreamed about my dad for ages. I can't even remember the last time I dreamed about him. In last night's dream, he was sitting in a chair reading the paper and as he brought it down from in front of his face to his lap, he asked me, "have you read this article?" I asked him, "which article?" His explanation was simple, "the article about taking the 'best' road as opposed to the 'easy' road."

I've been waiting for a "sign" for a couple of weeks. This was it. Staying was the path of least resistance; just stay on, keep my head down and turn in my timesheet every two weeks. The best thing for me is to take a deep breath, admit I made a mistake and move on. When I went to bed last night, I was staying. When I woke up this morning my decision had taken a complete 180 and it felt absolutely and completely 'right'.

Today, I was going to give my notice. Today, Boss didn't want to know.

The morning was scheduled very tight, the first patient scheduled right at 8:00am, a second at 8:15am and four more patients every 15 minutes after that. By 8:30am we had 3 people in the waiting room...and we only have 3 chairs. But, this morning Boss was later than usual, certainly leaving no time for chit chat but merely a passing Good Morning and we were off.

Usually when we have a tight schedule, Boss will stand at his computer, eyes fixed on the monitor, clicking the boxes on the screen and simultaneously chit chatting with me, oblivious to the patients waiting patiently (is that why they call them patients?) for him in little rooms with bad lighting or not-so-patiently checking their watches and listening to timers going off everywhere. Not this morning. He was more attentive to patients than I'd ever seen him. Scurrying between rooms, giving his undivided attention. No chit chat about sports, American Idol...not even March Madness. WTH??

Even after Big D arrived fresh from his class and began helping patients with their exercises, Boss still kept busy, busy, busy AND even when I attempted to make eye contact, he wouldn't. He avoided eye contact altogether. Hmmmmm.

I wanted to say, Dude, you're either going to hear my decision today or wait until Tuesday, but my last day of work is going to be the same! But, we had a house full. It would have been inappropriate.

So, I continued to wait...and wait...and wait, just for one minute. It never came. Or rather, there were minutes when he stopped, but never came into the office, never asked a question, never gave an instruction, never asked for help and never made eye contact. He kept looking at the clock and every time he did I wanted to say, It's getting close to 11:00, time for me to go for the day.

I was meeting Pastor Tammy at the church after work and we were going to have lunch and work on the newsletter together, so I had to leave. I did, at 11:06. He had sequestered himself in a room with a patient about 10 minutes before 11:00 and didn't come out until after I left.

He forgets. I know his schedule and I know where he works. It will happen.

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