Wednesday, July 23, 2008

We can throw stones, complain about them, stumble on them, climb over them, or build with them. ~ Iyanla Vanzant

I've had a bunch of thoughts running around in my head the last week or so with nothing in particular to connect them. So, I decided in the middle of night last night that I would sit down and just write them down, one at a time, even if it makes no sense to put them together.

So... in no particular order:

1. I haven't been sleeping well the last week or so. I wake in the middle of the night, then can't get back to sleep for hours. Is it the little noises I hear throughout the night? Maybe. I've had ear plugs in my bedside table drawer since right after Mother's Day, but I've never used them... until last night. They felt weird. I couldn't hear anything except my own breath in my ears and my own heartbeat. I felt a little claustrophobic, but I slept about an hour and a half before Tom woke me up to tell me he was leaving. I fell back to sleep for about another hour. I'm still tired this morning, but I think I will try them again tonight to see if they work again.

2. It has been incredibly hot. Monday, it was 101º, yesterday it was 100º. When I got up at 6:00 AM on Monday it was already 78º and by 7:00 AM it was 88º, and the same yesterday. Too hot to run. I feel like a real slacker not doing it, but I cannot exercise in this heat. The new McGee center has an indoor 1/8 mile walking trail. I think I will go over today and see what it is like. That might work out for me on days like this.

3. I have no motivation to start back on our house remodel. I can't figure it out. My main complaint about moving has always been that we never finish a house remodel until it's time to move, then we scramble to finish it, make it look pretty, then we leave. How stupid is that? Why not finish it early on and have the opportunity to enjoy it while we are living here, then sell it. My resistance just doesn't make any sense to me.

4. I am a proud member of PUMA PAC and have been since it was first formed in June of this year. It's a "527", a federally registered political action committee. I'm sure you've heard the news anchors mention our group (People United Means Action... not to be confused with the other PUMA, People United My Ass, although our goals are somewhat similar). They've called us "those few older, white women voters who supported Hillary Clinton." Well, I'm old and white, but that is not the case for every member. Our members represent a broad spectrum of Democratic voters who share the belief that "the current leadership of the Democratic National Committee has abrogated its responsibility to represent the interests of all democrats in all 50 states." I don't know if we will accomplish our goals, but I hope so.

5. I try really hard to stay balanced: emotionally, physically and spiritually. It is not easy sometimes, but I know that balance is key. There are always those situations and people who just cannot seem to stop shoving, poking, provoking and sometimes I allow my responses to those situations or people to distract me from the state I need the most ~ balance. I am reminded of a time years ago when one of my sisters was going through a very angry and very depressed period in her life. Every time we would talk, I would do one of two things: get angry back at her, meet her anger head on, but it was like using a baseball bat to bring down the Great Wall of China ~ futile and exhausting. Or, I would invariably find myself responding and sounding like a Polly Anna. You know what I mean, the sun will shine tomorrow, everything will be fine, don't worry, be happy,...that kind of crap, which is soooo not me. I'm more into listening, asking questions, allowing the feelings to express themselves, blah, blah, blah. But, it got to the point where I couldn't be who I was and what I realized was that I was emotionally out of balance. I was losing myself trying to help her balance her anger and depression by going to the other extreme. I also realized that she really didn't want me to help her move on. She needed to be right where she was and I had to let go, pull back and let her be there or risk going there with her, and that would definitely not have been the best thing for either of us. Sometimes it feels like I'm walking on a balance beam and, for a moment, lose my concentration and then lose my balance. It takes all of my energy and concentration to regain my balance, but when I do I finally take a deep breath in, blow it out, relax and continue moving forward.

6. Something happened to me when my sister, Kim, passed away. Her death affected me in such profound ways I cannot yet even explain, but I feel so deeply in my soul. Even losing both of my parents did not affect me this way. After so many years of silence between us, certainly because of my own stubbornness and unwillingness as well as theirs, I didn't realize such a deep and intense bond and connection with Kim and my other sisters still existed. I think that is why I haven't yet finished writing about her death. Because when I do, I have to acknowledge and fully experience the loss of all of those years and everything I missed; the love, the camaraderie, the history. When I made my last trip to Las Vegas before Kim died, I took a journal with me and I made notes to myself. But, the journal sits beside this computer, a daily reminder that I haven't finished. I've only written Part One: The Prognosis and Part Two: The Decision. I have two more parts to write: Part Three: The Gift and Part Four: The Passing. Writing about Kim's actual death will be easy. It was calm and almost welcomed. Writing about the gift she gave me will be the most difficult because it was a simple, "I love you."

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