Thursday, February 24, 2011

Day 26 - Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?

From Thirty Days of Truth

Okay, it's time finish this 30 day exercise.

I'm going to make this simple.

When I discovered I was pregnant with my second child and before I told Tom and told my parents, it crossed my mind.

I was scared to death. I wasn't sure how Tom would respond and even if he responded lovingly and supportively, I feared ruining his life plans...because, you see, I had no self-esteem so my life plans, which were non-existent anyway, would have been inconsequential, insignificant and irrelevant.

Then there was the issue of being, for the millionth time, the brunt of my parents' vitriol - the name calling, derogatory sarcasm, belittling and humiliation for not just one, but two pre-marital pregnancies.

As it turned out, Tom loved me as much as I loved him, he asked me to marry him and he insisted that we tell my parents together. He did most of the talking, even intervening on my behalf (imagine that??!!!) when my mother started with her derogatory sarcasm. My mother, after being mildly scolded, kept her direct disparaging remarks to a minimum and adopted her smug I-knew-it-all-along-because-that's-who-she-is-and-you-don't-know-her-like-I-do approach. Surprisingly, there wasn't any yelling. Tom was extremely calm and confident. Honestly, I think my parents feared that if they gave one indication of an impending verbal knock-down/drag-out, Tom would take me by the hand, lead me out of the house (which he had already told me he would do if things got ugly) and they would be robbed of their opportunity to berate me after he left.

Oh yes, I got it all from my parents anyway after Tom left. It was to be the last of the dozens of up-till-2:00am lectures on life and how I was screwing it up for everyone and how I was deliberately deceiving this really nice guy, intentionally trapping him into marrying me and ruining his life as well. I kept my mouth shut (a rarity) the entire time. But I was thinking, "Fuck you. You're just mad because he stood up to you and treated me with the respect you don't think I deserve."

The day Tom and I married, I walked out of my parents' home as resident for the very last time and I finally started to grow up.

1 comment:

altadenahiker said...

Terri, was the earthquake as big a deal as the news is making it? Hope you're all right.