I Miss My Grandkids. . .

We got a telephone call from my grandson, Tommy, last night. Tommy had just come home from the last soccer game of the season and called to share with us that his soccer team won the championship this year.

After we hung up, I cried. I miss my grandkids so much. I am so thankful that Chris tries his best to include us in their lives.

Feminism: (noun) The radical notion that women are people ~ Linda Starr

We bought a new CD player/changer last week. Our old one just gave out after about 10 short years.

When Tom finished hooking it up, I put CD's in the new player and when I started listening I realized that all three of the CD's were done by women: Melissa Etheridge, KD Lang and Alanis Morissette. All of these women have completely different voices and styles, but intriguing, interesting and soulful in their own way.

Listening to these women sing the songs they had written, I remembered something someone said about African-Americans needing role models and how important it is to see "people like them" on a movie or tv screen or hear them on CD's. I relate to that notion.

I love music. I always have. It was my salvation, my escape when I was a pre-teen and teenager; my own private world. I knew every lyric to every song and would lay on my bed in my bedroom and listen to the radio for hours, singing along with the artists fantasizing about a life I felt was so far out of my reach. Music speaks to me like poetry does for others.

When I watch a movie, a song will catch my ear and send me running to the computer to download it: Sometimes by Michael Franti & Spearhead from Last Holiday; Feels Like Home by Chantal Kreviazuk from How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days; Fallen by Lauren Wood from Pretty Woman; or Real Gone by Sheryl Crow from Cars. One of my all time favorites is "Golden" by Jill Scott from the movie, Beauty Shop.



As you can see, I have pretty eclectic tastes.

Some of the most treasured gifts I've received are music because when someone gives me a CD that they think I would like, it means they've understood me emotionally. About 10 or 11 years ago, Mike gave me the CD Double – Woman Of The World. It's old, from the 80's, but I still love it. It reminds me of driving my Mustang convertible along the beach in Oceanside and Carlsbad. Or when Chris lived here in Arkansas and came over one afternoon and handed me a CD by the Blues Travelers and said, "Here, Mom. I think you'll like this." I did and I still do. Every time I listen to it, it reminds me of how much I love going the clubs in the French Quarter in New Orleans or on Beale Street in Memphis. So much music, so little time.

But, what I realized last week is that when I choose something to listen to, I almost always choose women artists. They write about what I need, how I feel, what I want. They write about who I am and who we are in this world. They are people like me. Their voices are my voice.

So, when I ran across this video with Carley Simon this morning, I thought "YES !!" The movie is Working Girl, about a young woman fighting for her place in the corporate world and finding herself in the process. Oh, God, take a look at the clothes and hair! We loved that look back then, didn't we.

But, still, the lyrics for the song, Let The River Run (The New Jerusalem), are just as relevant today.

Women's bodies have near-perfect knowledge of childbirth; it's when their brains get involved that things can go wrong. ~ PEGGY VINCENT

Last week, I wrote about Tom finding the two boxes of stuff in the garage while he was cleaning it out after the garage sale.

The pink plastic box he found is filled with old papers, cards and newspaper articles, so I have been going through them one by one.

Yesterday I found a poem I wrote sometime around 1974 or 1975 during my hippie-dippie period. We lived in northern California. Tom was a policeman and I was a volunteer for a suicide prevention and crisis center and searching for my inner self. The environment at the crisis center was one of love, support and encouragement. Every morsel of self-discovery was a crisis and our lives were filled with drama, drama, drama. I wrote a lot during that period, but I fancied myself more of a poet than an author of prose, as did most of my friends and colleagues, so much so that we all got together and submitted poems for a book that we self-published and sold to our other friends, family and neighbors. When I read it now, I just smile.

So... the poem. It's pretty self-explanatory.



Alright. Now honestly, didn't that make you throw up in your mouth?

Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself. ~ Leo Tolstoy

Well, I think I'm running on emotional 'E' right now. I'm unsettled and unbalanced. I've lost all my patience and I'm pretty tired of being an emotional punching bag, for lack of a better phrase.

Considering the amount of time I spend confessing my own mistakes and shortcomings in this blog, you would think I would feel free, centered and relieved. Unfortunately, it is not that easy. Writing this blog, I have become aware that there is more to my personal journey than talking about my own flaws, errors in judgment, misconceptions and all out blunders. It is about time I rethink how I look at people and situations.

So, I have to ask myself some questions? Have I kept quiet when I should have spoken up? Have I spoken up when I should have kept quiet? Have I given too many chances to people undeserving? Have I given too much respect to people unwilling to return it? Have I held out my hand too many times, only to have my hand slapped away in my time of need?

I'm getting older. The reality is, my need for help will increase as I age. I am no longer willing to hold my hand out to people unwilling to extend theirs in my times of plight. I will no longer give my respect to people unwilling to return it. I will no longer give chances to people unwilling to change. My door will always been open to people in their times of need, but if someone finds the door shut then they need to look within themselves for a reason.

My journey to be a better person is a constant one. I realize that I am not perfect. NO ONE is perfect. So, it is also time to forgive so I can get my life back, free my mind and focus my energies on my priorities, not pettiness and bitterness.

Forgiving is solely my process. It does not require anyone else's participation. Forgiving does not mean that I am weak, or will abandon my standards to restore friendships or relationships, or that I condone whatever offense was committed. Forgiving is not forgetting, but it is ceasing to blame, acknowledging that everyone makes mistakes. Forgiveness is letting go and moving on. I intend to do just that.

Some Things Friday for May 23, 2008

Okay, that was pretty sad. I just now had to check my calendar to see what the date was today. I feel like a complete space cadet this morning and my head is just filled with stuff that I have to do to get ready for the weekend. We are headed into the 3-day Memorial Day weekend. Saturday (tomorrow) we will be doing some major gardening in our front yard and I will provide photos sometime next week. Sunday we are having family over for a barbecue. Monday I would like to do nothing but relax.

In the meantime...

Some Things I Love:

1. Goldie had her first heartworm treatment this week and is doing well. She is such a sweet, sweet dog. In spite of her medical shortcomings and timidity, she is turning out to be wonderful companion. I can hardly wait until the grandkids have a chance to get to know her.

2. We are counting down to the 4th of July family reunion. Everyone is confirmed to arrive sometime during the week before. Chris, Kelly and the kids are coming Wednesday morning and we will head up to the lake after they arrive. Tom's sister, Mary, is flying in on Tuesday. Chuck and Nancy are coming in Thursday, I think. Carol and her kids are coming in on Wednesday, too. And, of course, Tom and I, and his sister, Christina, and her husband, Bill, live here. One thing for sure, we are going to laugh a lot !!

3. We are putting the ski boat back in the water. Hooray !! It's been sitting on the trailer all winter long since we let our slip lease expire at the marina. We went up to the lake last weekend and signed the lease for a slip at another marina, closer to Christina and Bill's house. I like having the boat in the water rather than having to launch it every time we use it, which is quite a bit during the summer months.

4. As I posted yesterday, Tom found two boxes of old stuff ~ some of it is our stuff and some was my mother's. I have enjoyed going through everything and remembering people and events and different periods in my life. I also have a huge plastic storage box full of photos just sitting the closet in the guest bedroom. I think I would like to go through them, put them in albums and send them to my sons.

5. Communicating with my sisters regularly again after so many years. You know, I'm not a particularly religious person because I question everything (and that is sooo out of character for me ;o), but this has truly been a blessing.

Some Things I Hate:

1. Starting that Couch-2-5K over and over again. I am reminded each time I start this program how out of shape I am. When I finish each 30-minute session, I am breathing so hard I'm wheezing and spitting all over myself. God, I would love to be able to just run without sweating like a pig and snorting like an old bull... just once!!

2. Some developer is building a tract of homes a couple of miles from where I live. They have bulldozed and burned ALL of the beautiful full-grown, mature trees from the tract site and left nothing but dirt. So, when the new owners move in to the newly built homes they get to do what? They get to plant little baby, Charlie Brown freakin' trees and wait 20 years for them to grow into full-grown, mature trees !! This does not make sense to me !

3. Bicyclists who act like riding their bike is the same as driving a car only more healthy, and ride down the middle of the road and won't move over for cars to pass and wind up with about 50 cars behind them filled with drivers on their way to work!

4. Apparently Oprah is selling another trend: The 21-day detox diet. No, I do not watch the show, but it is splashed all over the internet news, as if anyone actually cares.

5. The mainstream media is now criticizing John McCain for giving only limited access to his medical records. Mind you, it is not a requirement that he give any access at all, but they are complaining just the same. I'm sorry, I wouldn't want the results of my colonoscopy flashed over millions of television screens either. There are some things that are private, no matter who you are!

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Do you think that Phil Spector thinks he really looks good???



2. In an article at MSNBC, doctors claim that our children are developing more allergies, and possibly more illnesses, because we have become too clean. I'm thinking that might be true. I'm not advocating eating dirt as a regular part of a diet, but it seems to me that when kids were allowed to get dirty, they were a lot healthier and could fight off more germs.

3. So, the California Supreme Court ruled that the law against same-sex marriage was unconstitutional, but the group, Concerned Women for America, that initially lobbied for the law refuses to stop and, in fact, wants a constitutional marriage amendment on the November ballot. In addition, they are involved with a national effort to generate a federal marriage amendment. Don't these people have anything else to do?? Hey, CWA, they could use some hands and strong backs to help rebuild New Orleans, or in China to search and care for earthquake victims, or in Myanmar to help the cyclone survivors. There are children in our country who need parents, food, shelter, education and love. You could provide help to our young men and women returning from Iraq. There are a lot more important things you could be doing instead of dictating who people should love and marry! You just have to be able to get over yourselves.

4. Why do I still call them "tennis shoes"? Nothing about them screams "tennis" !! And I don't play tennis when I wear them. Running, walking, hiking better describe their true function. But not tennis. Nevertheless, I call them my "tennis shoes." It's a stupid habit.

5. The musically challenged rap artist, P. Diddy is at it again. First it was Sean Combes. That's the name his mama gave him. Then it was Puff Daddy, whatever the hell that meant. Then he thought better of that one and changed his name to P. Diddy. But, as I recall, somewhere in there it was Puffy Combs. So, now P. Diddy is a name that apparently offends his new sensibilities and he wants to change it to Sean John. Oh, but I think he should seriously consider some of the other names Liz at the Washington Post has suggested:

Puff Cube
Iced Puff
Diddy Cent
L'il Puff
Puff-Z
The Notorious P.U.F.F.
Biggy Puffy
and, my personal favorite, Old Dirty Diddy

We cannot afford to forget any experience, not even the most painful. ~ Dag Hammarskjold

Tom and I were cleaning the garage last weekend after the garage sale. Actually, Tom was cleaning and organizing the garage. I was just kibitzing. Our (my) goal was to get rid of all the stuff left over from the garage sale and anything else we could find that we didn't use routinely. The only stuff we (I) wanted in the attic was camping and Christmas stuff.

As he pulled stuff off of shelves, Tom came across a pink plastic storage box full of paper: hand-made cards from an elementary class I used to work with; cards from Tom for all occasions; cards from Mike and Chris for birthdays, Mother's Day and even a get well card (and I don't remember being ill). Tom also found a cardboard box that we packed when we moved to this house a year and a half ago, but never unpacked. It contained photos taken from the walls in the den, other miscellaneous framed items and metal box that used to be my mother's.

Before she passed away five years ago, my mother kept metal boxes, like the kind used for Christmas cookies, for storing little things like photos, letters, cards, ribbon and other odds and ends. I don't remember seeing this box when she moved in with us and I hadn't seen the contents in years: my father's original birth certificate, photos of my mother's parents (my grandparents), miscellaneous family photos and this baby book about me.



According to my mother's entries, my birth weight was 6 pounds 5 ounces (a far, far, far cry from my current fighting weight), my eyes were blue, my complexion "light" and the color of my hair was light auburn. This book was a baby gift from my Aunt Sally. I was apparently a screamer early on and crawled at 6 months. My Aunt Sally cut my hair and gave me bangs when I was 17 months, and my mother notes "...and was I mad!" Maybe that explains my penchant for short hair.

Sadly, it appears I used the rest of the book as a pretend menu. At the time, I don't think I was contemplating being a restaurant owner as a career. I think I was just playing waitress. I had real lofty goals when I was a kid.



I am so sure I got in big trouble for that.

As I looked through all the miscellaneous photos, I came across these.



All of them are of me, but at different ages and different stages of my life. The first photo (top left) was probably taken when I was in second or third grade. Note the lovely 40's-ish hair style and, by God, those bangs have grown out. In the second photo (top right) I was in fifth or sixth grade and outfitted in my dazzling girl scout uniform, but note the hair. At this point, the whole short hair thing is starting to take hold, but my mother is still making her point by not allowing bangs. The third photo (bottom left) was taken during my freshman or sophomore year in high school during my surfer-girl period, and everyone knows that a surfer-girl has to have long hair, but now I am starting to think on my own a little more and I've cut my own bangs with a pair of fabric scissors while locked in the bathroom. I wanted those dreaded bangs! And, finally the last photo taken during my senior year. You will note the hair is now short. Back in the day, this was called a "bubble." I know, you are probably too young to remember that.

Though I had subsequent reversals back to growing my hair long, mostly when I was in my early 20's during my hippie-dippie period, short hair has been my basic look, my basic cut ever since my senior year. Oh, not because I am trying to create my own look or my own style or my own persona. It's nothing as independent or forward thinking as that. The fact of the matter is, I'm just plain lazy.

All respect comes from persisting to completion. ~ Melissa Lima

I just had to make a note of this.

Yesterday, while I was getting everything ready for dinner, I was watching CNN's The Situation Room and pundits from "the best political on television" were discussing Senator Clinton's complaint that the campaign has been fraught with sexism. Of course, I can't link to any story on CNN's website because the story is gone, as fast as it appeared, to make room for any small, insignificant tidbit about the Anointed One.

So... as Wolf Blitzer, Jack Cafferty, Gloria Borger and some other pundit were winding down their discussion and dissection of what appeared to be the humorous "sexism" charges, Gloria Borger made the a comment about Senator Clinton's demeanor to which Cafferty replied to Borger, "Don't worry, Gloria. You're prettier than her."

But, HELL NO, there's no sexism!!!

And they wonder why women of my generation are so pissed off and are signing petitions; sending letters and emails to the media; and sending letters and emails to the Democratic National Committee.

But, oh, when the Anointed One has a complaint that someone is dissing his wife ~ who is stumping out on the campaign trail on his behalf ~ he goes on tv and demands that "they" lay off his wife.



And you can still find stories all over the internet about it. Waaaah! Waaaah! Waaaah!

I will finish with a quote from that radical, liberal, feminist writer of the 70's, Erica Jong, but whattaya know, she is still writing and writing very well, thank you. She recently wrote a blog for the Huffington Post. These are the last few words.

"The truth is we know about her -- and we know very little about Obama. That alone makes her detractors scream: Get Out! Off the stage with you! Give us that hot new boy! Give us that sepia Brad Pitt! Old women are so over!

OK sweetie, we'll step aside. Watch your own cauldron bubble. You're in a heap of trouble -- and you don't even know it."

Some Things Friday for May 16, 2008

It is May isn't it?? Because it feels more like March or April. This morning is the first time we've seen the sun in a week, but it will only be about 74 degrees today, about 10 to 15 degrees below normal...but there's no climate change! Who is the stupid ass who keeps saying that? I want to find him (yes, it has to be a him) and strangle him.

Some Things I Love:

1. Yesterday's fantasy post about winning the lottery. Boy, that was fun! I needed a little less reality.

2. My nephew sent me a message yesterday completely out of the blue, just to say "love you." Wow, that was just what I needed when I needed it. Isn't it funny how things happen like that?

3. Yesterday, the California Supreme Court ruled that the law banning gay marriage was unconstitutional. "Our state now recognizes that an individual's capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend upon the individual's sexual orientation," Chief Justice Ron George wrote for the court's majority. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

4. A movie and dinner out. We don't do that often enough. Tonight is "Ironman" then Chinese food.

5. Mother's Day was awesome thanks to Christina and Bill. Great conversation, lots of laughs, quiet setting. For dinner, Chicken kabobs (we got to skewer our own with what we like), spinach and strawberry salad with raspberry vinaigrette, and a chili cheese bread that was to die for (I admit it...I had two pieces).



Some Things I Hate:

1. Obama got sideswiped by Bush in a speech he was giving in Israel yesterday. And, the Tennessee GOP released a video and press release chastising Michelle Obama's "proud" comments. What did Obama do? Whine. What did his campaign do? Whine. You wanna be top dog BO, get over it. This is only the beginning and you clearly are not up to the challenge. Like I said way back when, if Obama is the nominee, hello President McCain.

2. On Monday, I take Goldie in for her pre-heartworm treatment work-up. If she passes, she begins the actual treatment. I still can't believe the prior owner did not give her only Golden Retriever female breeder preventative care. Especially here, with all the mosquitoes! Helloooo! I am praying that Goldie makes it through this with flying colors.

3. So now after the ruling in the California court yesterday, a coalition of religious and social conservative groups is attempting to put a measure on the November ballot that would enshrine laws banning gay marriage in the state constitution. What is with these people? Can't these zealots just believe what they believe and allow other people to believe differently?? Besides, if the measure they propose is based on a religious belief, why is it being considered? Wouldn't that be considered breaching the separation of church and state?? I'm not a legal scholar by any means, but it seems to me that a state cannot adopt a constitutional amendment that is in direct contradiction to the federal constitution.

4. Having so much accumulated stuff that you have to have a garage sale, which means you have to organize all that accumulated stuff that you don't actually like and is probably all dusty and dirty from being in the garage all these months, and you have to clean it and tag it, then get up early to sell the stuff and act like the people are getting a great deal on really great stuff when what you are really thinking is why on earth they would want this junk and all you really want them to do is just haul it away and get it out of your garage so you can get both cars in the freakin' garage for the first time in a year! Tomorrow. Garage sale. My house. Be there.

5. That I haven't started back on my Couch-2-5K program yet. I keep finding all kinds of excuses.... like rain. Today it's not raining. No excuse.

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. What's the deal with everyone calling for Senator Clinton to quit the Presidential race? I admire her tenacity. She doesn't whine. She doesn't complain. She just continues to campaign. Even in the face of the Democratic National Committee, the Democratic party elite, the Obama campaign, his supporters, the mainstream media, the political pundits, so-called progressive bloggers all demanding that she leave the race, she continues her campaign. Let's just review for one second. This is a much closer race that those run by Teddy Kennedy, Gary Hart and Ronald Reagan. But, no one attacked them or told them to leave the race for the sake of party unity. They were much further behind than Senator Clinton, but they stayed in their races up to the convention. Why is it they want her to bow out now??? Hmmmm.

2. John Edwards, after many days on the mainstream media circuit denying he would endorse anyone before the convention, endorsed Barack Obama right after Hillary Clinton's landslide win in West Virgina. Guess the big boys club didn't like the sting of that one. I wonder what kind of deal Obama made with John Edwards for Edwards to completely abandon his support of real Universal healthcare? You know, the healthcare plan that mirrored Senator Clinton's, not the one that BO proposed that Edwards and his wife, Elizabeth, rejected early on.

3. There is definitely something wrong with people. Why would this mother and her teenage daughter set up a Myspace page for the intent purpose of tormenting another teenager?

4. Some of the winners of The Academy Awards. I tried to watch "There Will Be Blood" the other night. I went to bed instead. Ick.

5. I didn't get why Parvati won Survivor over Amanda. Why would the other women on the jury admire and reward another woman for acting like a conniving bitch, blatantly using her sexuality to play the guys and the other women, and for flat-out lying and lacking any integrity whatsoever?

Luck is the by-product of busting your fanny. ~ Don Sutton

I have decided. I am going to win the lottery. It will be a big one! Not just a measly million or two. Not me. I'm winning several million. Most likely, hundreds of millions. I know you wanted to win, but everybody can't. Maybe you can win next time. But right now, I am going to win. You're just going to have to deal with it.

I already know how I will spend it.

First of all, I am packing up and moving. I'm not even going to finish remodeling this place. I am buying a house or condo on the beach in Florida. No, I will not worry about or fear hurricanes. I will have a lot of money. I can rebuild. Yes, I will also buy a new car or two, but nothing like a Ferrari. Even with millions, I cannot justify spending $250,000 on a freakin' car. I want a pearl white Audi cabriolet convertible with a tan top. I have one now, but it's old. I want a new one. Tom can have whatever he wants... within reason. After all, I'm the one who's winning the money.

Second, each of my sons will be able to buy the house of their choice, in the location of their choice, and their garages will contain the cars of their choice, however, the same reasoning applies to them as it does to their father. All tax, insurance and utility bills will be sent to me. It goes without saying that each of my grandchildren will have their tuition paid at the college of their choice, in addition to basic living expenses while they are in college. I want them to study, not worry about making a living.

Third, I will set up a foundation that serves people in need. I haven't decided how or what or where, but money will be given to those in desperate need of health care, shelter, food or education.

Fourth, and this is the real fun one. I am going to schedule a cruise to the Mediterranean and every living member of my family will go with me. At the appointed time, a limousine will arrive at their door and take them to the most convenient airport, where they will fly first class to the departing port. Upon arrival, another limousine will be waiting to take them to the ship where they will be escorted to their first class balcony suite. In each suite, each person will find the following: a Rolex watch, Oakley sunglasses, a digital camera, a digital movie camera, an iPod, a laptop computer and a Blackberry with adequate service in order to communicate with anyone on board, on shore or at home. All of these gifts will be theirs to keep. Every service on the ship will be available to everyone at no cost, tips included. This includes spa treatments, drinks, on board shopping, arcade, movies, casino, everything. All shore excursions, scuba diving and lessons, snorkeling, para-sailing, water-skiing, surfing, airplane tours, helicopter tours, will be provided at no cost, as well as a credit card for shopping and dining in every port. I will hire several professional photographers to roam the ship and accompany my family to shore to take photos, copies of which will be provided at no cost.

When the trip is over, each member of my family will be treated with the same attention returning home as they were leaving. All gifts and purchases made on the trip will be packed carefully and delivered to their doorstep as they arrive home. In their living room they will find a beautiful flower arrangement, a case of champagne, crystal champagne flutes and a note from me thanking them for joining me on the cruise and making it the best vacation ever!

Sounds fun, huh!

Wordless Wednesday

"It is still an unending source of surprise for me how a few scribbles on a blackboard or on a piece of paper can change the course of human affairs."

How is it possible that what I write about myself, my life, my feelings, my thoughts could change the entire course of my life and relationships?

I guess it's like telling secrets. Remember in school, when someone told you a secret and if you told someone else that person's secret that person would be mad at you, sometimes forever. You maybe lost a friend forever. Just because of a stupid secret.

I think secrets are destructive, but I didn't always think that. Growing up in my family, secrets were essential to the continuing dysfunction of the family. We never told anyone ~ outsiders ~ about what happened in the confines of our family, not even aunts, uncles, cousins. Everyone was an outsider and it just wasn't allowed. It wasn't that anything sinister was going on, except for the beatings when we were punished. It was just stupid everyday things. The real sinister behaviors were the secrets themselves. It was imperative that we, as a family, project only a perfect family picture. I couldn't tell anyone that I hated school and was doing poorly."Terri's loves her teacher." I couldn't tell anyone that I was sad and lonely all the time. "Terri's a happy child. I couldn't tell anyone that I was unhappy. "Terri's fine." We didn't say those things out loud to anyone.

The funny thing is no matter how hard we'd try to keep the flaws in check and keep the warts from public view, they always showed. They were always visible. Everyone saw them anyway, because everyone else had them, too. But, in addition to the flaws and warts, we'd add denial and lies.

So what's the purpose of all this secrecy? What were we afraid of? Someone would judge us? Maybe. It happens, you know. God forbid, would someone have the courage to tell us that we'd done something wrong and offer advice on how to fix it? Yeah, that was a distinct possibility. Would someone be bold enough to tell us we may have made a mistake?? Oh, yeah! Honestly, though, I think at our deepest root, at our very core, is that we compared ourselves to how others lived their lives, how others were doing, and we felt somehow that we were lacking and inferior.

The Catch-22? While we were trying our darnedest to make everything look great from the outside, on the inside we wound up alone, isolated, and feeling even more lonely. Then when the really big stuff happened, like my mom's affair, there was no one there to talk to or lean on and say everything would be okay. There's no one to call. There's no support. We only had each other in that tiny circle. And, let me tell you, that is no where near enough.

So, I did the same thing as I grew up and had my family. Then the outsiders came to include my parents, Tom's parents and our sisters and brothers. We only talked about the good things, never the difficulties. Sadly, what happens in that environment is a vacuum is created in which you find yourself alone. You can't reach out. You can't call someone and say, "help!" for fear that you will be judged for not being able to handle a crisis, or your life for that matter.

The simple fact is, we are not supposed to keep secrets. That's why we have such a hard time keeping them in first place. When we told secrets as children, they weren't really secrets at all because we shared them with someone else; we needed to share them with someone we loved, trusted and respected.

Now, as adults, we must acknowledge we are not perfect. We do not have all the answers. We don't always act or respond to circumstances appropriately, with grace, reason and humility. We are right and wrong, generous and selfish, smart and ignorant, kind and cruel, honest and deceitful. The bottom line is we can't do it alone. We're not supposed to do it alone. We are not supposed to be silent. We are supposed to share with each other, touch each other, lean on each other, talk to one another, support one another, bring it all into the light of day and learn from one another and that is supposed to impact the course of each others lives.

Some Things Friday for May 9, 2008

Some Things I Love:

1. Although I love both of my sons, daughters-in-law and grandchildren, my youngest son, Chris, deserves a shout out this morning because today is his birthday! Happy Birthday, Chris!

2. My bedroom. What's not to love?

3. Goldie, even after the "shitty" day.

4. My husband, Tom, is the kindest person I have ever known. When I wake up in the middle of the night, like last night, it is almost impossible for me to go to sleep. Without a word, Tom will lay on his side, pull me close into our "going to sleep" position (basically spooning) and hold me until I relax and fall back to sleep. I am so completely in love with him.

5. This article cites a study that found that "body fat found under the skin - and particularly on the buttocks - may help reduce the risk of developing type 2 diabetes." Finally! Something good about my fat ass!

Some Things I Hate:

1. I am officially sick of the rain. It seems like it has been raining constantly for months. Everything is always wet and muddy! Yuk! STOP, STOP, STOP ALREADY!!!

2. These.



My toes without polish. I am getting soooo lazy!

3. Nearly 100,000 people lost their lives in Burma because of the cyclone. The devastation is unimaginable. My heart goes out to all of those families.

4. Last night on CNN, they reported a story about the Barker Ranch, the site where police found Charles Manson and that some human remains found nearby. That's pretty gruesome, but what was even more so was that the reporter mentioned that this site is on federal land in the middle of Death Valley and tourists visit the site. That's just sick!

5. You know those animated logos that pop up on the bottom of your television screen during your favorite program and advertise other programs. I hate them!

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. Why is it NOT racism when Obama announces that he has 82% of the black vote, but it IS racism when Hillary announces that she has 68% of the middle class white vote? I'm sorry, I don't see the difference and I don't think either are racist; just reality.

2. People here in Arkansas build nice porches on the front of their houses and big decks in the back, but they don't use them. Unless you were raised "country", you don't go outside. The total opposite of where I was born and raised.

3. I don't know how people can live in New York City and sleep at night. I am being literal here. All that noise! I live on a horseshoe shaped street. You don't come down our street unless you live here, so we really have very little traffic, but I still have trouble sleeping because of newspaper deliveries, the guy across the street getting up at 4:00 AM to go hunting, the kid next door sitting outside with his friends at midnight just talking like kids do, etc. It's all just regular neighborhood noise; nothing exceptional. But, after living almost 15 years on a 10-acre farm where the only noises you hear are crickets, frogs, birds and an occasional coyote, my ability to cope with human-made noise of any kind is nonexistent.

4. What is it that people like about Bill Maher? Yeah, I know. I agree with most of his politics, his jokes are very topical and I think some of things he says are funny, too. But he is a sexist asshole and I'm just self-righteous enough to not watch him because of it.

5. We have lots of water here, particularly in the rivers and lakes, and although some of the water levels have receded, the water levels have set records and are still well above normal. More than half of our favorite campground near Dam Site Marina is covered with water. Boats moored at the marina are only accessible by other boats. There's a lot of griping going on. The boaters want the Army Corps of Engineers to open the spillway and let some of the water out of the lake into the Little Red River so the boaters can get to their boats for the summer. The ACOE refuse because of the flood danger it poses to the homes, businesses and land down river from the dam. Do the boaters care? No. Boaters are only concerned with what in the hell they will do for Memorial Day weekend. I have a suggestion. Leave your boat where it is and go to Riverfest in Little Rock. Huey Lewis & the News (shut up, I know they are from the 80's. I don't care!) ZZTop, Chaka Khan and more! Please, just stop bitching about what you can't do.

Life is an endless struggle full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hair stylist you like. ~ Author Unknown

I did it. I know I said I wouldn't. I know I said I was going to let it grow. I lied. I flat-out lied. I knew I was lying when I said it. Tom knew I was lying when I said it.

I got a haircut. I had to. It was driving me crazy! And, I had all those hair products for very short, spikey hair on my bathroom vanity. Wax Works, Spray Wax, Freeze & Shine. They were calling to me. What was I supposed to do?

No, my hair doesn't look like I wanted it to look. It rarely does. Why is it I can't find anyone to cut my hair like Hoa (in California)or Linda (in Incline Village) did? I had my hair cut by Laura in Clearwater Beach when we were there last Christmas and it looked great! I loved it! But, Tom thinks that a trip to Clearwater every four weeks is a bit much for a haircut. What does he know?

I haven't really found anyone here that can cut my hair the way I really, really like. I've tried. In the last 15 years, I bet I've been to at least that many stylists. They all do an okay job, but it's not exactly what I'm looking for.

So, what does it look like now? Well, it is about an 1-1/4 inches on top. That is what I wanted, but how the stylist got there from the neckline up is what I have the problem with. The shape isn't nice. It's more like a guy's cut, than a gal's cut, if you know what I mean. But, it will grow. It always does. That's the thing about hair. And, in about three weeks it will sort of look more like what I want if I just trim here and there.

In the meantime, I'll wear lots of jewelry and makeup so people won't mistake me for the opposite gender. Oh, that's right, I don't have to. I have boobs.

Shitty Day??... No, A Very Shitty Day!

You remember, we have Goldie, a 6 year old Golden Retriever and former one-dog puppy mill. And, OMFG!!! yes, we had our first carpet soiling yesterday. Is that how you would like me to approach it? Carpet soiling, as opposed to just calling it what it is ~ poop? I didn't think so.

Like it or not, I will give you some background, just for dramatic effect.

When we brought Goldie home, we kept her out in the back yard for three or four days and brought her in the house periodically just to acclimate her to being indoors. She did really great. She'd stay in the house for a couple of hours at a time, was very well behaved and did her "business" (she pooped) outside.

About the fourth night, I woke up to her barking. I went to the back door, gave her my best Cesar Milan, (you know, The Dog Whisperer) "Phssssttt!" and a snap of the fingers and she went back to her bed. The same night, more barking. Same routine. Back to the back door, another "Phssssttt!", she went back to her bed and I went back to mine.

The next night, hoping to alleviate the necessity for getting up in the middle of night, we brought Goldie in for the night. She stayed outside until just before bedtime, then I brought her in the house. I also brought her bed into our bedroom. She followed me into the the bedroom and climbed right into her bed. That's where she stayed all night. The next morning, I got up and walked her to the back door to let her out. No problem.

For the last two weeks, Goldie was doing remarkably well. She'd stay in our room for the night, go out in the morning, eat, run, pee, poop, and then back in for the day. Just before dinner, I'd let her out again until we headed for bed for the night. No indoor accidents.

Goldie is a big dog, weighing in at 68 pounds. She eats a lot, although not as much as some large breeds. So consequently, she should poop a lot. Well, she does, quite frequently and usually uses the same place in the yard. Of course, wouldn't you know it, she has selected a patch of grass between the house and my herb garden so that I have to navigate doggie land mines every time I want a sprig of rosemary. Don't get me wrong. We clean up after her daily, but you just never know what you'll find when you walk out there. Anyway, one of her poop times yesterday she DID NOT use the yard. She decided to expand her toilet range to the living room carpet.

Now, I don't want to get too graphic... but I will. When I say poop, I don't mean a nice solid pile that you can pick up with a small shovel. Noooooo. Goldie was, putting it mildly, a little loose. And, it wasn't just pooping in one place. Oh, God, no. She was clearly a little distraught and confused about where to poop so she made several deposits, large and small. It was a Shall I poop here? Or here? Or here? Or here? Or Maybe I should walk around in a circle and poop while I'm walking kind of arrangement. It was the kind that required a flat, squeegee-type instrument and a receptacle in which to dump it, interspersed with dry-heaving. Then came the carpet cleanser and brush, more dry-heaving. After that, there was the washing with the Odor-ban. All of the aforementioned cleaning tasks were punctuated by Awww, Jesus. Oh, God. Jesus Christ, Goldie!" Later, after the carpet dried some, there was the obligatory Febreeze.

When Tom walked in not five minutes after I finished and smiled and asked, "How was your day?" I could only reply, "You're a little late!" Which was followed by silence and a blank stare.

Weekends are a bit like rainbows; they look good from a distance but disappear when you get up close to them. ~John Shirley

This past weekend was Toad Suck Daze. We didn't go. We stayed home and attempted to accomplish some tasks we'd put off for several days or weeks.

Saturday was windy and cold, so Tom used the time to install the new garage door opener; the one that he said would "take me just a couple of hours." He started about 8:30 AM and by 2:00 PM he was on the phone to tech support. We should receive the new circuit board tomorrow or Wednesday.

Sunday was sunny, warmer and much more fun. Tom got to dig a big hole, line it with plastic, fill it with water and set rocks of all sizes around the perimeter. We dug a pond!!! When I say "we," what I mean is that I gave Tom the hose and helped by handing him the rocks.

We purchased a pond starter kit a couple of weeks ago. The kit contained the liner for a 200 gallon pond, the water circulating pump, nozzle attachments and 3 lovely faux lily pads.

Tom started by digging a hole.



Then he installed the pond liner and started to fill it.



I was shocked when we actually finished the project in one day. The birds, bunnies and squirrels that frequently visit our back yard love it. The first photo was taken right after the pond was finished. The second photo was taken the this morning.

Of course, we haven't finished the pebble walkway around the pond yet and the plants are still in the planters and aren't set in the ground, but I love it. I do think those faux lilies make quite a statement, don't you? Unfortunately, it is a statement to the effect of "You have absolutely no taste whatsoever!" But, they'll have to do until the real live lilies and other water plants start growing.

Some Things Friday for May 2, 2008

Some Things I Love:

1. I received a very unexpected surprise about three weeks ago. My granddaughters sent these sweet little paintings. They arrived at a perfect time. I had just come home from my first trip to Las Vegas after my brother-in-law passed away and after visiting with my sister (his widow) who was quickly deteriorating from the ravages of her disease before she passed away. I had cried off and on during most of the two-day drive home. It was after the hello kisses and giant loving hugs that Tom handed me the big white envelope. I smiled through my tears. It was exactly what I needed. Now, I know that my granddaughters didn't address the envelope and mail them because they can't. They are only 5 and 4 years old, so their mother had to help. So, even though we are not on speaking terms right now, I thank her for that.

These lovely artistic renditions were done by Lily. I can tell because she spelled out her name in purple paint. And, because her mom wrote her name on a sticky note and clipped hers together.

Now, these beautiful, creative paintings were done by Zoey. Although Zoey only did two paintings, hers are definitely more detailed and it looks like she used more paint.

I am going to try to incorporate all of them into some kind of collage to hang on my office wall.

2. My nephew, J, posted a part of a song by Warren Barfield to his Myspace page. I love it: "Love is not a place to come and go as we please...its a house we enter in then commit to never leave...so lock the door behind you, throw away the key." You gotta be willing to do the work.

3. I hate my camera. I have tried to get really good photos for this and my food blog, but inevitably the close ups of my food are blurry. This camera, I am certain, will alleviate all my problems and allow me to take professional looking photos... okay, maybe just better photos. It is the Canon EOS 6.3MP Digital Rebel Camera with 18-55mm Lens...



I just KNOW I would love this camera!

4. The smell of my new shampoo: Bio-infusion Organics, Eucalyptus & Lavender.

I found and bought it in Las Vegas at Walgreens. I haven't looked to see if we have it here. (Oh, and by the way, Rickey, I forgot to mention, we also have two Walgreens in Conway open 24 hours... Yee Haw!)

5. Hearing from family members I haven't heard from in a very long time. It feels like coming home. What could ever feel better?

Some Things I Hate:

1. I have to admit that I am more than disappointed in Goldie's behaviors. She is more than "timid," as the previous owner described her. She is completely broken and nearly lifeless. I can't even imagine what kind of life this dog had before we got her. In a small pen 24/7, little to no human companionship or contact. I guess we are lucky she is a good natured breed. If she was anything else, she might be aggressive. Although, yesterday, I think I saw her actually wag her tail ~ after two weeks!

2. Vegetables that come in plastic or styrofoam containers. Take green onions, for instance. Why do they have to put the bunches in a sealable plastic bag? First of all, I don't store anything in plastic. Second, what a waste of money. We are, after all, paying for the extra packaging. And, third, helloooooo, ENVIRONMENTAL IMPACT!!!! Same goes for romaine or iceberg lettuce, mushrooms, squash. Note to grocers: Lay it out in bulk, give us the option of paper or plastic bags and let us purchase what we want! You want to know how freakin' old I am ~ I remember when that's they way it was back in the day!

3. I am so sick of remodeling my house. I will never, never, NEVER do this again. I will never look at a house or condo and see its potential. I will never buy a house or condo with the specific idea that if I do this, and this, and this, it will be exactly what I want. I will never buy another house or condo that needs anything but my furniture to make it mine. Just don't throw it up in my face and embarrass me when I do exactly the opposite.

4. I admit it. I tried one. It took me a long time before I did, but I ordered one. A Kentucky Fried Chicken Mashed Potato Bowl. Ewww. Ewww. Ewww. One of the worst things I've ever eaten.

5. The people who work in the purchasing department at Wally World...or for those of you uninitiated, WalMart, also known as Walmarts (why the plural? I have no idea)... or Sam's Club (owned by Wally World and a low end Price Club or Costco). Every time I try something new or they start carrying a brand I consistently use or a specific flavor of something or cut of meat or anything else I routinely buy, they just stop selling it. They don't just run out. They stop selling it altogether. Like the Beer Cheese we bought and loved! They carried it for about a year. We bought it regularly. It was delicious AND Sam's Club was the only place in this entire state that carried it. Then their purchasing department decided to use a different supplier and the new supplier does not carry Beer Cheese and they can't order from the old supplier. So, I'm just out of luck! I really do hate that!

Some Things I Just Don't Get:

1. I read somewhere that Tom Cruise is going to be on Oprah again, the first time since his "Couch Jumping" performance a couple of years ago. Of course, my first reaction is "Sooooo."Luckily, I no longer watch Oprah (I tend to balk at a billionaire celebrity talk show host, whose earnings are as a direct result of her shameless wealth flaunting and self-promotion, telling [read:selling] me the [read:her] true path to spirituality) and I don't watch Tom Cruise in anything either. I'd rather not be subjected to both of them together again for let's hope is the last time.

2. Apparently the first round of economic stimulus checks from the U.S. government are being deposited in bank accounts this week. However, I doubt they will stimulate anything but higher profits for the oil companies.

3. I'd say that Rick Haskins, Executive VP of Marketing for The CW, which airs the program, Gossip Girls (which I want to go on record as clarifying that I have never seen), is kind of out of the loop. You've seen those commercials for that program, haven't you? The ones where the teenagers appear to be having sex with the acronym, OMFG, splashing all over the screen. In an interview with CNN, Mr. Haskins said this acronym could stand for "Oh My Frickin' Goodness." OMFG ! ! !, who is he kidding??

4. I know everyone has seen the Vanity Fair photo of Miley Cyrus and I don't think it matters which side of the coin you're on. Did Miley think it "was artsy", did Miley and her parents know what the photo was going to be like, were Miley's parents on the set all day and did they see the photo, did Vanity Fair manipulate Miley??? What happened on the set vs. what everyone expected in the magazine is, to me, irrelevant. Miley Cyrus is 15 years old. Although she is a huge star making vast amounts of money and has great poise and charm, her "job" requires lots of people around her to help her make her money, publicize her show, movies, concerts, tv appearances and magazine photo shoots. Perhaps Annie Leibovitz captured what all of Miley's "people" did not want you to see. The photo of this girl appearing unclothed, grasping at a sheet, showed Miley at her utmost innocence and vulnerability, and insinuated that this 15 year old girl can be used by anyone, and perhaps she is.

5. As I am writing this, Goldie is laying on floor behind me, sound asleep, snoring. Not just a little-rumble-in-the-nose snoring. It is that deep, honkin' rolling echoing snore! Like the kind of snoring Tom used to do that would force me to seek quieter quarters within our home in the middle of the night before he so mercifully surrendered himself to our Ear, Nose and Throat doctor for surgery. I've reached and tapped her butt with my foot twice already and she doesn't even twitch. I guess after five years of nothing but pregnancy and puppies, I'd be that tired, too.

SO, FINALLY. . .yes, indeed it is Friday. Part of my Friday routine when I was working ~ and commuting ~ was to listen to a local radio station that spent two hours every week day evening from 4:00 PM to 6:00 PM playing "Drive Time Requests". On my way home, I would call in from my car and request this song and Becky Rogers, the DJ, would play it. I don't know, it just started my weekend just right. How about yours?

“I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.” ~ George Carlin

You know those times when you are feeling really crappy and down and old and feel like that gloomy, melancholy feeling will never end, then you quite unexpectedly come across something that immediately lifts your spirits, even if you don't want it to... yes, you're that low.

That's what happened to me a few minutes ago. I had let stuff get to me. I'd been crying off and on most of the day, feeling very melancholy and very, very, very sorry for myself. I just finished putting a beautiful banana cake in the oven and came in to check my Myspace messages and bulletins, and I received the following essay from my sister, Robin. Maybe I am just easily amused, but I cannot thank her enough.

George Carlin's Views on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. 'How old are you?''I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key .

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!

And then the greatest day of your life . . You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There's no fun now, you're Just a sour-dumpling.

What's wrong? What's changed? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it's all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn't think you would!

So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60. You've built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it's a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80's and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn't end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; 'I Was JUST 92.

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. 'I'm 100 and a half!' May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!

HOW TO STAY YOUNG
1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain idle. 'An idle mind is the devil's workshop.' And the devil's name is Alzheimer's.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person, who is with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county; to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10.Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER: Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.